What Does El Roi Mean?

El Roi means “the God who sees me” and comes from the story of Hagar and Ishmael in Genesis 16. Here’s what it means to me personally:

When I first found out that my court date got pushed out almost 3 months, I was sad but numbed out. But I’ve done a good amount of emotional processing since then. 

Initially, I was too busy with work that I couldn’t reflect on how I felt and numbed out. Later, as I was driving to a men’s discipleship meeting, I thought about how I felt. I allowed myself to feel the emotions. As the sadness bubbled up, I let out a loud shriek of pain. Emotional pain. I screamed. I cried out to God. But something was telling me to dig deeper. To identify pain and hurt is a first step, but to name the underlying emotions and digging deeper brings healing as we submit those feelings to the Holy Spirit. 

I know how this works. When deep emotional pain arises, it’s an indication of a core wound. I had bruises, scars, and bullet holes that were sore and not fully healed. Something pressed upon these spots and caused the pain but the underlying wound was something I was bringing into the moment. This pain was coming up because God wanted to properly deal with them and bring inner healing. 

So I processed more and named the emotions. Asking God, the words “unseen and unheard” came to mind. I believed the court, my ex-wife, and others around me didn’t see or recognize the pain I felt over not being able to see Katie for more than 3 years. I felt unheard because I of the delay in having my case heard before the judge. 

But where did these wounds originate. I saw that it came from my marriage where I felt unseen and unheard. And to some extent from childhood where I felt neglected by my parents. Having named the emotions, I asked myself what I can do about it. I burst out, “I need validation!” So I thought about all the people I could call or text. “Give me validation. Let me tell you how I feel. See me and hear me I could implore.” I was frantic. 

But then I saw that what I could not get in external validation, I needed to get from internal validation. So I looked inward. I said to myself, “Tom, I see you. I hear you.” But even that was insufficient. And then my mind turned to God. 

There is a place in scripture that God reveals his name as El Roi - the God who sees me. I allowed myself to believe the perfect parent has compassion for me and sees all my bruises. 

I’m still feeling sad but less so having processed my emotions and seeing a greater revelation of who God is. 

Thanks for listening!